Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Resident Evil 3D: Afterlife

If you're like me, you've never played any Resident Evil video game. You just think Mila Jovovich is hot and you love zombie movies and the Resident Evil film franchise has both! There's only one problem. After the first one, it's arguable that every subsequent movie is unwatchable. I disagree with this perspective. I find Extinction to be quite watchable, but I understand the other side of this argument. Apocalypse was pretty horrific.

I went into Afterlife with pretty high hopes. I mean, the trailer is awesome, and there's like a bunch of Milas running around with Samurai swords in skintight catsuits. How could this go wrong?

Get ready for the prequel- "The Most Dangerous Orgy"

Turns out, there's tons of stuff that can go wrong. First of all- And I don't want to spoil anything here- all of the clones die in the first scene. What the fuck? The whole point of the last movie, was that you had this endless supply of hot Mila clones ready to take down the whole Umbrella Corporation. But within the first few scenes, they all die, and then the original Mila gets cured of the T-virus taking away all of her super powers.

After trying to find her friends in Alaska, she meets up with Ali Larter (also smoking) who, for no reason that has to do with the plot, has amnesia. They head down to LA looking for survivors. Low and behold, they find a group hiding out in an abandoned prison surrounded by Zombies. Now, you and I are smart people, right?

You know it!

Okay, so is Mila. So why instead of landing the plane a safe distance away so that she can come up with some brilliant plan to get the survivors out of there, does she decide to make a suicidal landing on the roof only to get stuck in the center of Zombie Square? I guess it would be more entertaining if she was put into some more danger. We could meet some new characters. Come up with a plan to escape. We could really create some scary moments since we're all stuck in this dark maze where flesh-eating dead people could sneak up behind you at any moment. Hey! Maybe, this is where the franchise goes back to its horror roots and tones down the stylistic action a little bit!

Or, you know, not.

This movie hints at the ability to terrify you while you're stuck in this prison. There are scenes that are ripe for some good old fashioned horror. There's a guy trapped in a box. There are underwater scenes with these crazy zombie face huggers floating around. Most of the prison is lit by torchlight. These are elements of horror. Unfortunately, there's about as much horror in this movie as there is drama in Gilligan's Island.

"Skipper. It was me who sank the boat. I just wanted to be near you."

Probably the best thing about this movie is Mila being hot. Oh, also there's a FUCKING HUGE DUDE WITH A GIANT FUCKING AXE!


There is absolutely no explanation for this guy. I guess you could say that the Umbrella Corporation put him together, but for what purpose?! It's not like he's the ultimate warrior or anything. It's not like the regular zombies aren't already doing the job of killing humans. Why create a 10 foot tall undertaker with a giant fucking axe?!


Which brings me to my next point. What is the Umbrella Corporation even trying to do anymore? The world is dead. There is nothing left to conquer or rule. There are no people left to dominate. Any sort of hedonistic fantasy they could come up with would be completely unfeasible. What is the point?! For that matter, why would there still be soldiers supporting this evil corporation? You'd think at some point, all these guys would be like, "Listen, Dude. You've completely destroyed the world. Don't really care what you pay me. I'm done with this shit." Even if they were protecting the soldiers and keeping them safe from the zombies, what is the point? The world they know is long gone. If you think you're just gonna wait this thing out, guess what? No amount of waiting will ever bring back anything you ever cared about. Take your chances on the outside and stop being part of the problem.

This is not coming back. What are you fighting for?

Also, humanity seems pretty much doomed. I guess I understand why Alice and her shrinking list of friends are still trying to gather survivors together. You have to live for something. But it's not like anyone is really going to be able to keep humanity from going extinct. Whoopdy-doo, you found a whole container ship full of humans. Guess what? You're going to need 50 times that to even stand a chance at getting back to sustainable levels without going extinct. And also with the way this movie likes to play fast and loose with peoples' lives, I doubt most, if any of you will actually survive the next movie.

But Goddammit, there will be tube tops!